A Post Election Republican Survival Guide

That closet Muslim in the White House has something up his sleeve doesn’t he? It’s food stamps, isn’t it? The “Food Stamp President” is out of control creating a culture of dependence.


Okay, your guy lost. Didn’t Anne Coulter tell you he would lose? Are you really surprised? Let me get this straight, in the aftermath of the greatest economic collapse since the Great Depression (never mind for a second that Republicans were the brains behind both collapses) your Party threw its support behind a Wall Street plutocrat with offshore bank accounts and an unrepressed desire to fire people. A man frequently referred to as a “Vulture Capitalist” (not to be confused with a bird of paradise) by his fellow Republican Presidential hopefuls. Good thinking. Nice choice.

I feel your pain. The Obama inspired Caliphate notwithstanding, I’m here to urge you, in the spirit of “just say no,” to look at your political glass as fully half-full, your present as truly not lost, and your future as bright (though possibly solar-powered) and assured. Here, I’ll prove it.

Go down to your church, assuming it’s still standing after the Democratic Party’s “war on religion,” and get down on your knees (don’t worry, it’s still legal). Go today. Go tomorrow, and have at it. Pray as long and hard as you want. Nobody, not even America-hating Reverend Wright himself can stop you!

I may be wrong about this, but if you’re a Republican gal you’ll probably not be forced to have an abortion any time soon. In fact, you’ll still be able to birth as many babies as you please. And isn’t it comforting to know that all of those babies will be covered for pre-existing conditions, and can remain on your health insurance policy until their 26th birthday. I know, your uncle will probably call you a socialist, but isn’t that a small price to pay for all that baby goodness? Say it loud, say it proud – “Obamacare is my healthcare too!”

Quickly now (there may be some urgency to this), go down into your basement or garage or love nest find that hidden closet, and make sure your guns are still intact, and have not been requisitioned for operation “Fast and Furious.” Remove your trigger locks (you locked them – right?) go on outside, and treat yourself to a little “Ted Nugent Time.” Squeeze off a few rounds. It’s starting to feel way better now isn’t it?

Taxes, I know, I know. A few of you will pay more. But be honest, how many of you will actually slip into that $250K plus zone? I mean that’s $250K after deductions (i.e. the deductions that Romney was going to get rid of but wouldn’t tell you about), which means as a couple you’d have to gross something like $300K before you paid one cent more in taxes. But let’s say you wind up having to pay that job-creator, punishing, Obama tax on a net of $300K. The tax rate on your first $250K doesn’t change one bit, and the rate on the remaining $50K goes from 35% to 39%, which means you’ll pay an extra $2,000 in taxes on a net income of $300K. I know it’s rough. I know you’re not rich. But if you’re not rich at $300K how would you describe all of those people earning the household median income of roughly $50K – at 1/6th your income, does that make them poor?

You’re still not convinced are you? That closet Muslim in the White House who wasn’t even born here, was a flunky in college, was to blame for four deaths in Benghazi but not commended for freeing Libya with no military deaths and little expenditure, who is secretly shipping all of those auto jobs he saved to China has something up his sleeve doesn’t he? It’s food stamps, isn’t it? The “Food Stamp President” is out of control creating a culture of dependence.

All right, you got me. Despite the fact that three million jobs were lost in the 12 months before Obama (aka “that one”) took office, and several million more jobs were lost in his first few months on the job (ignoring the fact that unemployment numbers are a lagging economic indicator and not the result of his policies), and the fact that all of those unemployed workers were suddenly in need (in a severely crashed economy) of unemployment benefits (that would add to the deficit now wouldn’t it) in addition to, yes, food stamps……you may have a point.

Whatever one’s political affiliation, however, we all can be grateful that Obama’s election success did bring with it several timely and under-appreciated benefits namely, the resurrection of Etch-A-Sketch as a cool Christmas toy, and the sudden availability in bargain-bins across America of surplus vaginal probes.

All’s well that truly ends well.

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Popeye November 11, 2012 at 05:07 AM
Ha Ha Ha. The Repubitards just need to place the head in the sand. Might as well place a BIG TATOO on your forehead "LOSSSSERS". HA HA HA..
Lorraine Pozniak November 17, 2012 at 02:29 AM
"Closet Muslim"? I reverted to Islam almost two years ago after being a non-practicing Christian for most of my life. We don't want him...You can have him...He's turned his back on us.
Truther December 07, 2012 at 02:12 AM
Well, I read your sudo-survival guide for us Americans that are looking for success to come back into style again and I tried to smile as I read your chipper little slight against us. It wasn't difficult since I had the opportunity to laugh at every cliche' you drooled on to the screen; closet Muslim, pre- existing Bush economic conditions and decisions . . Yes the ghost of Bush lives on . . LOL, But we will have face reality SOME day... unless you are a "color me pink" liberal. I am sure any other president would be insulted by your insinuation that after 48 months of executive orders and pompous grandstanding in front of the TelePrompTer world wide that your "anointed one" hasn't been in control of his presidency . . . . poo poo on you. The first thing obama said when he took office was " I am the president now" !! "new sheriff in town folks". But when the going gets tough? Where does the BUCK stop? Not with a PINK-O liberal. Hey pull out that line about all of the inherited "MESS" This will give the PINK-O's a mild distraction, long enough to pull out an angry little liberal sign that states something nasty against God, unborn children, rich people and our dirty old tried Constitution... So sad, your little world... You did leave out one part about the Gays and Lesbians.... I guess that got chopped out in the editing... But we know this is the fuel in your gas tank... sexual immorality.... its a liberal mainstay, bread and butter nowadays. So... "Yes you did win"...
Truther December 07, 2012 at 02:12 AM
I concede. But when you lay in bed at night counting the votes and the millions of new criminals you plan to add to your voting base with amnesty in the coming years remember; once the dam bursts and the water starts to flow there will be no more political parties... yup... just people trying to stay alive, reaching out for a floatation device, and if you don't own a gun, or live on a hill top you will be looking for some kind of protection, and if the recent storm in the East is any indication on how your boy is going to take care of you, most will be headed over to that neighbor with the big shiny truck with the gun rack in the back window hoping that he will be the newest Sheriff in town because the hungriest part of your voting base will be headed to La Verne and Claremont looking for easy pickings from the nice, unarmed Pink-o's.... News flash.... the dam is cracked, and it is the Liberals that are blind... with their heads in the crapper, and when your world of free band aids and free cell phones collapses on you??? that is when you will gain a new perspective on what you truly have.... and lets hope it is a well prepared Independent/conservative neighbor, the one with the big American flag in the front yard and the silver FISH on the back bumper. Remember to be nice, and ditch the obstinate liberal tone, or you might just wind up being the first course. lol. Snorkie.
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