Confessions of an Anthropomorphic Possum Baby

This week, Micah decided to have a growth spurt. My wife and I are pretty sure we didn't do anything to incur his wrath—pained cries, incessant desire to eat and disinterest in sleep—but here it is.

After all: The American dream is made of this stuff.

In honor of the fact that Julie and I are … (pause) … thankful … (another pause, accompanied by an affirmative nod) … for the fact that he is growing like a weed, I compiled this helpful list of growth indicators for new St. Louis parents.

Revel in this time of, um, joy.

THE FOOLED-YOU FACE
A wide grin spreads across your child's angelic face. But wait! It's quickly followed by squinted eyes, tears and guttural howls. His appendages begin to flail. Sorry, Mom: No nap today.

THE POSSUM
As midnight approaches, your baby's eyelids droop and flutter. You can tell he's tired because he's been fighting sleep all day. You bend down to place him in his bed. At long last, you think. It's time for milk, cookies and a sedative. But wait! His eyelids snap open as if pulled by an invisible puppet master. Might as well make the bed. You aren't going to be using it anytime soon.

THE MUNCH CRUNCH
Not only does your baby refuse to be happy or sleep—she also insists on eating every five minutes. So put your spouse on KP, sit down on the couch and prepare to be a hermit for the next week. Your baby thanks you.