How Can Parents Teach Kids to Handle Peer Pressure?

Seems like a major hot-button topic these days for parents is dealing with peer issues with their children. So we asked our Moms Council panelists to address the main issues and give insight on how to best handle peer pressure.

Cindy Haines, Ladue Mom
This is a timely topic for me, as my oldest child is going through the early stages of peer pressure in regards to excluding others. We are pre-computer networking age (no social networking, no cell phone usage/texting, etc) but appropriate use of social technology is firmly rooted in appropriate social behavior.
 
And so it begins for us...
 
My oldest child is a female, and peer pressure for girls has a lot to do with pecking order and how to get -and maintain- a certain social status. Bullying behavior for girls can be somewhat under the radar in that it is often not the more overt physical or directly verbal assault we tend to think of with the word "bully." Rather, it can be insidious and persistent emotional warfare.
 
My approach is using communication - early and often. I listen and ask questions. I observe. I know what is going on in my kids' lives. Much of it does have to do with peer experience, and as they continue to grow, this will grow as well. 
 
This allows the opportunity for early intervention. My approach here is positive reinforcement for positive behavior and  consequences for negative behavior. And communication, communication, communication every step of the way.

Mary Konroy, Clayton-Richmond Heights Mom
Instill a sense right and wrong with your child and build upon that as he/she grows. Discuss behaviors that are acceptable and not acceptable, and the repercussions of unacceptable behaviors. Go beyond home-front punishments i.e. “you’re grounded.” Depending on their age, include emotional, physical and, if necessary, legal repercussions of their actions. This is especially true for ‘tweens and teens.
 
Talk about situations that might or probably will occur with peers and how they might handle it. Revisit this from time to time as a coach would, perhaps while you and your child are alone, traveling in the car. Then listen!
 
Limit usage of the ‘Net and “red-flag” those who make unkind remarks on it. Encourage your child to be an independent thinker and to know that it’s OK to disagree with their friends.  Engage your child as much as possible and assure him/her that you are there for them.  Alert your school, or have your child talk to a counselor, if bullying or negative talk continues.

Nancy Pasternak, Frontenac Mom
It's hard for me to give advice at this age because my children are so young.  But I hope to handle issues like this as my mother did - by having and open and honest line of communication with my children where they feel comfortable sharing all the experiences both good and bad with me.  In the arena of computer use, I've always believed having an open computer in a 'family' room is a smart idea in this day and age.  I also think at least while the child is under age 18 - their 'accounts' whether it's email, texts, Facebook or anything similar will have to have an avenue that includes me so that I can intervene/become involved if I suspect a problem.
 I will put 'adult' guards on our computer to protect my children.  As far as dealing with peer issues - I've really tried to tell my kids that not everyone may like or play with you - but that it's usually not about you - it's about them.  Since my kids are younger, I haven't really formulated a plan on how I'll help them in later years - I suspect I'll be calling my girlfriends with older kiddos about how they handled such situations and what worked/what didn't work.

Jayne Langsam, Ladue Mom
Children (and a lot of adults) are enormously influenced by what other people think.  Especially adolescents.  Acceptance by their peers seems to be the No. 1 priority.  It is a reality.  We as parents need to accept it and understand it.  We do not need to be ruled by it.  We talk a lot about individuality and how each person even in our family is different with different needs, wants, and priorities.  One needs to be true to yourself.  And that starts with us modeling that as adults.  You can acknowledge how hard it must be to be yourself and not follow the crowd.
It is ok to acknowledge that they might want to follow the crowd, but by not how much courage and strength that must take.  And remember that peer pressure is not necessarily bad, but be aware of who their peers are.  Again, I find this topic a great place to start an open dialogue.  Remember to enjoy the journey.

Martha Baur, Ladue Mom
Being the mother of three girls I have learned that American Girl publishes wonderful books that address many issues facing kids these days. "Stand Up for Yourself and Your Friends" is one that deals with finding your own special way of dealing with bullies and bossiness. My fourth grader thought is gave her some good ideas and helped her to understand why people bully. (Lack of self-esteem, need of attention, problems at home to name a few). 

I am also a huge proponent of school counselors. They have been trained to help children in difficult situations and have many problem-solving tools. Amy Grunwaldt, the counselor at Conway, encourages the use of "peace table." Children can sit and talk about their differences under her guidance and come up with a plan for getting along.