How Can Parents Best Handle Separation Anxiety?

This week, the topic shifted dramatically to child separation anxiety issues. Our moms panel provided comments about leaving a child for a night, the weekend, the first day at school.

Martha Baur, Ladue Mom

My youngest daughter who is almost four tends to struggle a bit with separation anxiety. Preschool drop off is where I see it the most. I have a few tricks up my sleeve that seem to work but believe me...there are those days that nothing will coax her out of the car without a few tears.

First and foremost I am adamant about  my children getting the proper amount of sleep each night. A well rested child tends to be less emotional and eager to start the day.

I am always clear about my expectations for my little one from the moment we get in the car. I brag about what a big girl she is and how her teachers will be so proud of her when she walks to her class without her Mom.

I remind her of what fun she has at school and how her friends can't wait to see her. I also keep up with what the weekly themes are in her classroom so that our conversations can focus on the exciting things she's currently learning about.

And finally, if all else fails, I have her deliver a "very important note" to her teacher. This "note" sometimes is just a scrap piece of paper from the car, but she has no idea! In her mind, she has a special job and that becomes the focus of her attention.

As a parent I know that some days are easier than others and kids will always throw curve balls. In the end, I try to maintain a consistent set of expectations so that my children know what to expect on a daily basis. That seems to alleviate a lot of stressful situations.

Nancy Pasternak, Frontenac Mom

I was very anxious about separating from my first child - my son Trey. Looking back, I was fortunate to have a trusted adult, my mother, caring for him when I needed to be away from him.  But it was still nerve-wracking.  It really was more 'my' issue because he never really seemed upset as a baby when grandma was here. 

However, there was a time when he was older that he got upset with me leaving at the gym (which I quit going) and then at 20-months, he was upset the first few times he started a 'morning away' day at the Ladue Early Childhood Center.  Some of the things I learned/practiced was starting out with short 'away' times. I would leave and come back 30 minutes later. 

When he started school, I made my exit quickly after kissing him and re-assuring him I would be back.  With my other children - I've really just tried to give them the confidence that I will leave them but will always come back and that I trust the person with whom I've left them.

Dr. Cindy Haines, Ladue Mom

My 'a-ha' moment when it comes to childhood separation and associated anxiety issues came when dropping my oldest child off at a "Mom's day out" playgroup that had a one-way-view window (you can see them, they can't see you). The sad face, crying, and perhaps even a little more drama than that, abruptly ended when I was out of view. When in view, "the works" turned on again.
 
This reminds me of that YouTube video of the tantrum-ing toddler who turns on the waterworks for the caregiver - but only when in view. The toddler actively sought out his audience and, when present, the show began again.
 
My best advice for preparing for the inevitable "Don't go Mommy/Daddy" is this: Demonstrate love and stability for your child every chance you get - in word and in deed. And when it comes time for your child to toddle off to some Mommy/Daddy free activity, lovingly -and firmly- say (and squeeze) your goodbye with a reassuring "I'll see you in a little bit." And then SCOOT! Your child is going to be fine. And so will you.

Laura Falk, University City Mom

I don't recall having a particularly hard time separating for short periods, especially as my kids' short-term babysitters have all been relatives! However, both children started daycare at around six months old, and that was probably harder on me than it was on them. I always planned and wanted to go back to work after each child, but leaving each of them that first day resulted in me being a blubbery mess.

Picking a good daycare and knowing they were being well looked-after helped. During the times when the kids have had separation anxiety, my husband and I have found it helps to have a routine. Doing the same things each day during drop-off, whether it's a special hug or quickly reading a book to them,  has always seemed to help.

And it really has been our experience that when our children have been upset about us leaving, they only cry for a very brief period once we've gone.

Jayne Langsam, Ladue Mom

Separation is one of those things as parents we dread and crave at the same time.  It is both hard to do, but a necessary step in both your development as a parent and the healthy development of your child.  I suggest doing it in small increments, and reminding yourself that normal separations are not only good for your child, but a necessary step for appropriate growth.